The Challenges of Blending a Family

This week as we talked about divorce, remarriage and blending families together. I learned new things I hadn't thought of. My parents have been married for 27 years and this is both of their first marriages. Most of my aunts and uncles have also stayed in their first marriages. So I have never had to deal with divorce or remarriage, which I am grateful because it does not sound easy. While I was watching the videos in preparation for Wednesday homework, it talked about "baggage" brought from the old marriage/divorce into the new marriage. This baggage can be harmful to the family as they are trying to blend two families together. You cannot focus and strength your marriage if you are constantly thinking about your old marriage and guilt or other emotional baggage that may be a result of the end of a marriage. I really enjoyed Wednesdays class. It was interesting to listen to Sister Williams and hear from someone who had experience divorce, remarriage, and blending a family first hand.

One of the Hardest Things You'll do: Parenting

This week as homework we had to watch four different sessions of parenting videos. Even though I am not a parent and will not be for several years, I found these videos interesting and helpful.A couple of times I found myself telling myself to remember something they taught. Parenting is not easy. Everyone knows that and everyone has made that clear. But it doesn't have to be a miserable power struggle all the time. These parenting videos were about how to deal with teens. I have to be  honest when I say that I am not looking forward to parenting teens. But these videos taught how to deal with rebellious teens and other struggling teens. One thing the videos taught that I liked was to give the teenagers choices. When it is chore day, instead of telling them what chores they will have to suffer through, show them a list and ask which ones they want to do. We need to show respect to our teenagers. Otherwise, why would they show respect to us? I would recommend  to parents who are having having a hard time parenting their children to watch these videos. They are called Michael Popkin's "Active Parenting."

Working Parents

In class Monday we talked about working parents. One thing that I found very interesting that Brother Williams told us was about a family who was actually wasn't earning any more money by having the mother work as well. The parents believed that because now that there were earning more money with the mother working the could do more stuff. Their sons could do more sports and other activities. Of course they would sometimes grab some fast-food dinner between all their activities. When all their costs were added up, the wife's whole paycheck had been spent. She was working and losing time she could spend with her children for almost no reason. I found this very interesting because I had never thought about this, people believe that because they have two incomes they can spend more. But in reality, they are spending more than they should be.

Let's Communication

This week we talked about communication and power/conflict and the importance of counseling. When we communicate about 14% is the words we use, 35% is our tone and 51% is non-verbal. I thought this was really interesting because what we are saying is only 14% of what the other person receives and reads when we are communicating.
There are different types of power spouses have and use over each other. The six different types of power are: Coercive, Reward, Legitimate, Expert, Referent, and Informational. Often times couples use these different powers over their spouse without even realizing it. Coercive power to negative and it to afford punishment. Reward power is positive in which you receive some kind of reward from your spouse. Legitimate power is when your spouse has the right to ask and you have the duty to comply. Expert power is when the spouse has special knowledge or expertise over the topic therefore they get their way. Referent power is reference for the power. You obey them because you love them and desire to please them. Informational power is persuasion by the spouse because they want what is in your best interest.

When Stress Events Hit

This week we talked about when the family is under stress. Every family experiences stress. They all feel it a different way but it is almost impossible that a family will not encounter some kind of event that will put them under stress. I know my family have had several of those. From moving into a new house to having car problems. Some events are big and some are small but they cause us stress and shape our families. But it isn't only the stress event itself that creates the outcome. There a model called ABCX that shows how we react to the stress events that causes the outcome. A is the Actual event that takes place. For example lets use moving into a new house. B is Both the resources and responses. When we moved we had several resources: we turned to family, friends, and the ward for help. Responses were willing to help and our response was that we were ready to move even though it was a very unorganized moved. We weren't negative and tried to keep a positive attitude. C stands for Cognition.  What we think during the event. The move was chaotic. But I remember having fun during the move. One of my best friends had spent the night the night before the move and so together we took trips back and forth moving stuff into the new house. I'm sure every family member was thinking something different. But I don't think there was anyone who expressed negativity. X is the total eXperience. The total experience depends on the event, resources & responses and cognition  It is up to us what the experience of the stress event will be.

Becoming husband and wife- creating that bond

This week was about becoming husband and wife and sharing that intimacy that helps create that special bond. The couple need to be mindful of each other  and have that time together be a special moment for them to cherish and draw closer to each other. We also read about being faithful to your spouse. Affairs are all too easy to start but hard to end and to get rid of the pain that comes from it. Someone may be having an emotional affair without even realizing it. A woman told her story about this man she was very close to even though she was married to another man. She would hope that she would run into him, she thought about him a lot and talked to him online. She then realized she was in the beginning stages of an emotional affair. She felt terrible and wanted to show her husband that she truly did love him even though he didn't know what was going on. I know that as we are faithful to our spouse and create that sacred intimacy as husband and wife we are blessed and the Lord is proud of us. The Lord loves us and wants us to be happy, Satan will tempt with with infidelity telling us it will make us happy, but it was only bring more pain and suffering.

The Steps Toward Marriage

This week in family relations we talked about the steps towards marriage. The first step is dating. This means  dating a variety of people. After you date many people, you may find one person you want to get to know more. This is when you move onto the second step. The second step is courtship. Courtship means that you are exclusively dating one person. This is a trial for marriage, seeing who well you get along and would do together. The third step is engagement. Engagement means you have a ring and date for the wedding. During engagement several steps must take place as well. These steps are: making decisions together, practice sacrificing for each other, establish boundaries, problem solving, relying on each other. After engagement the fourth and final step in marriage.

Another topic that we discussed that I thought was interesting was the importance of involving the father in the pregnancy. Mothers are obviously building that relationship with the baby during the pregnancy and then afterwards take care of that baby while the father is away at work. Often times the father doesn't feel that special connection to the baby because they mother does all the caring for it even when he comes home because she may not trust him to care for a baby. This is why it is so important to involve the father. Take him to doctor appointments, take him shopping for baby stuff, let him feel when the baby kicks, and most importantly, let him be there doing the birth of the baby.

What is Love?

This week in family relations the topic was preparing for marriage. One of the chapters in our book we read is titled "Falling in Love." What caught my attention in this chapter was the meaning of love. The word love has four ancient Greek words translated into love. The first is Storge. Storge is the love and affection between parents and their children. In class we defined this love as a commitment, responsibility and connection. The second word for love is Philia. This term refers to the love between friends. It is a brotherly love. I think this is the most common use of the word love. Friends tell say they love each other all the time. But what do we mean by "I love you" when its said to our best friend? It's not meant in the same way we would say it to our significant other. Which is the third word for love, Eros. Eros is physical love. It is romantic and lustful. The last Greek word for love is Agape. This is the love you feel for someone you  may not know. It is charity and compassionate. You see people on the News suffering from a natural disaster and you feel bad for them, this is Agape. You don't know them, but you feel for them and want to help them. So next time you throw out the word "love" think in what way you mean it.

Men vs. Women

Men and women are different despite varies arguments that we are the same and should be treated identical. This week we had to watch a video clip about the differences in men and women. Some argue there is absolutely no difference but the only differences arise because we raise our children in a certain way. One women on the video said that we need to raise our sons more like our daughters. But then wouldn't our sons get teased to no end? I don't think it is right to discriminate people because of their sex, but suing a dry cleaner shop because they charge more for women's shirt because they take longer or suing a barber shop because they charge women more for hair cuts because the have more hair and it takes longer, is taking it a little far. Heavenly Father intended for us to be different. His sons play an important role as the providers and protectors while women play an important role as the nurturing mothers. I think sometimes we are so into making sure that every is treated the exact same, we forget to remember that we aren't the exact same. And if we were, well the world would be a boring place.

A Lesson In Judging

Many people when they see a Mexican family speaking in rapid fire Spanish they are not able to understand, think "Seriously? Go back to Mexico." This is terrible. But honestly, who hasn't thought this or something similar.
This week we got to look into the lives of Mexican families who immigrant to America. As I spent over an hour reading about 10 Mexican families and their trials, I gained a new respect for them. They go through so much and suffer tremendous amounts of stress and changes just so their children can have a better life. Many times the father comes over to America first to establish a job and living place. It can take many years for the rest of the family to come to America. And by the time they do everything has changed, and most importantly the family dynamic is completely different. Dad hasn't been there for years, so what makes him the boss suddenly? Many of these families in the article we read for Friday's homework, talked about teenagers who didn't feel close to their father. These teenagers missed their close knit family they had back in Mexico, including their aunts, uncles, cousins, and even grandparents. Now in America with no family and Mom and Dad at work all day, these teenagers get incredibly lonely. They suffer depression and sometimes suicidal thoughts. That life style can't be easy.
So next time a big Mexican family is in your way in the grocery store and you start to think a mean thought, just think: they are people too, who have probably suffered more than you know. Everyone has their trials. You can't judge a book by its cover. You never know what its holding back.

Each Family is Unique... mostly

This week in classes we talked about roles in our families. While reading an article for one of the homework assignments I came across a paragraph that totally described my family. This article talks about family roles that the children fall into. This paragraph described children's roles in the family. The oldest is the "hero." I had to laugh when I read this because my older brother is totally the hero. The article talks about how they have it all together, this is often a stressful role but has many rewards. The second child is the delinquent. I wouldn't call my sister a delinquent, but I think as a teenager she was difficult at times. The third child is the invisible child. That would be me. I'm not invisible, but I often keep a low profile, like the article says. The last child is the clown. I also laughed at this one because my little brother is the clown. He cracks jokes all the time and uses humor a lot. While my family plays these roles in our own unique ways, we do fall into these roles.

Family is declining

I really like how before each class we start with a not only a prayer but with a song. Monday we sang "A Child's Prayer" and we did both versus and then a round and it was amazing. It totally invited the spirit into the classroom and established the mood for the class. 

This week we had to watch a movie on demographic's. I found it really interesting because while everyone believes that the population is increasing at a high rate, its actually declining. Birth rates are declining and by 2065 world population will decline. Family sizes are decreasing and so is the value of families. It was sad to hear from people in the video that families simply aren't important. Birth rates are decreasing for several reasons. People are putting off marriage (even Mormons) so therefore are having children later but cannot have as many children.

It makes me sad to this because family is very important to me. I believe that everyone needs family. It is a perfect network of support and children learn how to cooperate and solve problems with people from a young age. 

Let's begin!

I am excited to start this blog! This blog will mostly be what I have learned in my Family Relations class at Brigham Young University-Idaho. In this class we talk about marriage and the family. Everyone in the class is required to start a blog and write about impressions they felt in class, what we have learned, or really anything about the family.

Matthew, Me, Dad, Mom, Megan, Nathan Dec. 2011

I love my family! There are 6 people in my family. My dad, mom and 4 children. I am the 3rd child. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that I can be with my family for forever. Even after we die! I love my family and wouldn't trade them for anyone else!