The Parenting Pyramid

Its been two years since I've been in school and have had to do a blog post thanks to my 18 month service in the Botswana/Namibia Mission. But now I am back in school and back at it.

This semester I am taking a parenting class. Kind of odd for a single girl who just got off her mission. But it is required for my major and it is actually a super interesting class.

Just recently I read an article about "The Parenting Pyramid." Here is the pyramid:



It all starts from the bottom. Our personal being effects our relationship with our spouse which effects our relationship with our children which can lead to how we teach them and correct them.

The article was written by a man who wanted to teach his sons a lesson. They were 13 and 11 and one night went to to go hang out and play pool at a low-class club with a bunch of pre-teens hanging all over each other and smoking. He wanted them to know that this was not okay. But he learned that they couldn't learn from him until he had a strong relationship with them. And so that is what he did, he built a relationship with them by taking them to the pool club every Friday night for four weeks. After the fourth week he simply said "You know something guys? I don't think we should play pool anymore." Their response... "Okay Dad." The man doesn't say, but I think the sons agreed so easily because he had taken the time to actually go out and play pool with them. He saw the environment and his sons knew that. It wasn't just him laying down the hammer because he is their father and what he says goes. Rather he took the time to build that relationship with them and I think they respected him for that.

The author says that the solution to a problem in one part of the pyramid lies below that part of the pyramid. If you are struggling to discipline your child, go back and build a relationship with them. If you are struggling with your relationship with your spouse, evaluate your life. Are you being selfless or selfish in your relationship?

Why is this important? Well because parenting isn't easy (not that I would know) but we have to understand why something isn't working and what would work better. As the author said "as we are patient, and as we do all we can where we can, we can make a deep and genuine difference in the life of even the most unhappy child."

Here is a link to the article for anyone who would like to read it for themselves: http://www.krapu4.com/psy/PDF/ParentingPyramid.pdf

The Challenges of Blending a Family

This week as we talked about divorce, remarriage and blending families together. I learned new things I hadn't thought of. My parents have been married for 27 years and this is both of their first marriages. Most of my aunts and uncles have also stayed in their first marriages. So I have never had to deal with divorce or remarriage, which I am grateful because it does not sound easy. While I was watching the videos in preparation for Wednesday homework, it talked about "baggage" brought from the old marriage/divorce into the new marriage. This baggage can be harmful to the family as they are trying to blend two families together. You cannot focus and strength your marriage if you are constantly thinking about your old marriage and guilt or other emotional baggage that may be a result of the end of a marriage. I really enjoyed Wednesdays class. It was interesting to listen to Sister Williams and hear from someone who had experience divorce, remarriage, and blending a family first hand.

One of the Hardest Things You'll do: Parenting

This week as homework we had to watch four different sessions of parenting videos. Even though I am not a parent and will not be for several years, I found these videos interesting and helpful.A couple of times I found myself telling myself to remember something they taught. Parenting is not easy. Everyone knows that and everyone has made that clear. But it doesn't have to be a miserable power struggle all the time. These parenting videos were about how to deal with teens. I have to be  honest when I say that I am not looking forward to parenting teens. But these videos taught how to deal with rebellious teens and other struggling teens. One thing the videos taught that I liked was to give the teenagers choices. When it is chore day, instead of telling them what chores they will have to suffer through, show them a list and ask which ones they want to do. We need to show respect to our teenagers. Otherwise, why would they show respect to us? I would recommend  to parents who are having having a hard time parenting their children to watch these videos. They are called Michael Popkin's "Active Parenting."

Working Parents

In class Monday we talked about working parents. One thing that I found very interesting that Brother Williams told us was about a family who was actually wasn't earning any more money by having the mother work as well. The parents believed that because now that there were earning more money with the mother working the could do more stuff. Their sons could do more sports and other activities. Of course they would sometimes grab some fast-food dinner between all their activities. When all their costs were added up, the wife's whole paycheck had been spent. She was working and losing time she could spend with her children for almost no reason. I found this very interesting because I had never thought about this, people believe that because they have two incomes they can spend more. But in reality, they are spending more than they should be.

Let's Communication

This week we talked about communication and power/conflict and the importance of counseling. When we communicate about 14% is the words we use, 35% is our tone and 51% is non-verbal. I thought this was really interesting because what we are saying is only 14% of what the other person receives and reads when we are communicating.
There are different types of power spouses have and use over each other. The six different types of power are: Coercive, Reward, Legitimate, Expert, Referent, and Informational. Often times couples use these different powers over their spouse without even realizing it. Coercive power to negative and it to afford punishment. Reward power is positive in which you receive some kind of reward from your spouse. Legitimate power is when your spouse has the right to ask and you have the duty to comply. Expert power is when the spouse has special knowledge or expertise over the topic therefore they get their way. Referent power is reference for the power. You obey them because you love them and desire to please them. Informational power is persuasion by the spouse because they want what is in your best interest.

When Stress Events Hit

This week we talked about when the family is under stress. Every family experiences stress. They all feel it a different way but it is almost impossible that a family will not encounter some kind of event that will put them under stress. I know my family have had several of those. From moving into a new house to having car problems. Some events are big and some are small but they cause us stress and shape our families. But it isn't only the stress event itself that creates the outcome. There a model called ABCX that shows how we react to the stress events that causes the outcome. A is the Actual event that takes place. For example lets use moving into a new house. B is Both the resources and responses. When we moved we had several resources: we turned to family, friends, and the ward for help. Responses were willing to help and our response was that we were ready to move even though it was a very unorganized moved. We weren't negative and tried to keep a positive attitude. C stands for Cognition.  What we think during the event. The move was chaotic. But I remember having fun during the move. One of my best friends had spent the night the night before the move and so together we took trips back and forth moving stuff into the new house. I'm sure every family member was thinking something different. But I don't think there was anyone who expressed negativity. X is the total eXperience. The total experience depends on the event, resources & responses and cognition  It is up to us what the experience of the stress event will be.

Becoming husband and wife- creating that bond

This week was about becoming husband and wife and sharing that intimacy that helps create that special bond. The couple need to be mindful of each other  and have that time together be a special moment for them to cherish and draw closer to each other. We also read about being faithful to your spouse. Affairs are all too easy to start but hard to end and to get rid of the pain that comes from it. Someone may be having an emotional affair without even realizing it. A woman told her story about this man she was very close to even though she was married to another man. She would hope that she would run into him, she thought about him a lot and talked to him online. She then realized she was in the beginning stages of an emotional affair. She felt terrible and wanted to show her husband that she truly did love him even though he didn't know what was going on. I know that as we are faithful to our spouse and create that sacred intimacy as husband and wife we are blessed and the Lord is proud of us. The Lord loves us and wants us to be happy, Satan will tempt with with infidelity telling us it will make us happy, but it was only bring more pain and suffering.